Tough

Being tough is the word that i always remind myself..
I never forget,never put it behind my mind..

So many things to stress,so many things that i dont understand..
im hiding myself aside,forcing myself to understand..
Pass mean passed..i have to understand the different..
i just not the lucky one to have it...
I hate the feeling that stay alone,especially mid night,the late night..but i always have to..
until i force myself use to it..
from i was young,the feeling never go away..till now...

The more i want,the more i lost...
i wanna be the best,but the worst i turn at the end...
I got no right to having the best,
I got no qualifly to request more.
Even how regreat i am,
fact will never change...

Jealous others having the one i wish i could have,
but yet,it belong to me once..
i never fulfil...
I never appreciate everythings,
when i realise, and it seem like.......not the time yet..
The more i want to know,the more i regreat to know,
the more i curious,the more i hate myself.
the more i found out,the more i hurt..
I hate all those feelings...
Is that time can help me fade away?
And i think,this is the karma...
I believe god had gave me many chances...
im just the stupid idiot dint realise and hold it..

Im getting the phobia...
i scare of everything...
I keep my step,dont dare to step out,
the more i try,the more i fail..
i scare of the pain when fall down,
Cause i dont want to do the same mistake that i had repeated many times...again...

Every songs,every words,every lyrics,every movie,every single things,
no matter how big deal or how small potato...
Everytime im alone,everytime when my mind start thinking...
it also have an excuse let me cry lately..
I stop my tears when its running out from my eyes now...
enough crying for myself,
no one will pity me and forgive me...
even i really is the poor thing....I Think...
I have to accept these,i deserve these...
The Karma..
Cause i really do disappointed everyone...

I already control myself to the limit,
i starting out of my mind,
being crazy,thinking negative..
Im going mad!!!
Im feeling i cant take it anymore!!!!!!

I have to calm down myself!
have to stand strong!!
have to make myself awake!!!
have to stop dreaming!!!!
I have to tell myself,
Its time to learn...!

Learn think twice before action;
Learn not to be stuborn;
Learn how to be positive;
Learn how to give other than take;
Learn do things for people request,not request to people;
Learn to listen others;
Learn how is love,what is love...

Its hard,really hard...
i will try...no matter how scare i am...
stop being weak...
BEING TOUGH
I believe it will eventually bring me happiness...
I want my smile back.

Wish me...
i hope i still is your love,

Pat.Penguin