Penguin aka Patricia

Hiding those emo shit thing very well,
But it come again after so long that I though its over.
I lie to myself but I failed..again..
Know things can forget by time fly,
But never think that is so easy for some people..
And live happily..
I wish that is me that who let go everything and start over a brand new me.
Live happily like no body business..
No need think and stay sweet and happiness with the right person..
Sometime ppl will give a compliment that I stay tough even how my background is..
Even myself also think I'm good and tough enough..
But I was wrong! So wrong...
I though I can hide it and act nothing happen everything are fine..
But always something will remind me!
I so wanna get over it and walk away from these!
I believe I can but just don't know when its the time!
Now I know,I just weak and I'm a loser!

penguinPig

Went genting but the cold wind never help to cue my emo mood,
but remind me of the Apollo's birthday cake..
Control myself don't do thing that make myself sad..
But I failed..
Always go out with kelly now a day,
Look at her and QQ,7 year's love..
Not jealous but up sad.
Can't do anythg,ppl is a happy man now,marry soon..
And me just a stupid don't know hold and appreciate..
Having karma.now I only can see one color,its grey.
No hope no support no true..have nothing.
Sleep when sunrise wake up when almost sunset..
Having nightmare almost everyday but wake up I'm alone..
Only can hug penguin to find a little bit secure..
Living all alone.
I'm the good one,
And you are the happiness one.
I hope I can put down everything and live on..
But I think I can't.

抱歉

原谅我没有说
忘了我们是在什么时候
选择放开彼此的手
忘了我们为了什么理由
才会让你一个人走
为什么总在失去后才懂得
才发现你对我最重要
为什么到后来我才有听说
你最爱的人还是我
我想妥协不想眷恋
我想你在身边
能不能够让我们重来一遍
是否对我还有相同感觉
我不想要再对自己抱怨
也不想再狼狈
能来能够让我们回到从前
到那一天当我们还相恋
你说过要陪我走到永远
还是你在敷衍
忘了我们是在什么时候
选择放开彼此的手
忘了我们为了什么理由
才决定不能再挽留
为什么总在失去后才懂得
才发现你对我最重要
为什么到后来我才有听说
你最爱的人还是我
能不能够让我们重来一遍
是否对我还有相同感觉
我不想要再对自己抱怨
也不想再狼狈
能来能够让我们回到从前
到那一天当我们还相恋
你说过要陪我走到永远
还是你在敷衍
能不能够让我们重来一遍
是否对我还有相同感觉
我不想要再对自己抱怨
也不想再狼狈
能来能够让我们回到从前
到那一天当我们还相恋
你说过要陪我走到永远
但你却说抱歉

SICK

Here we have two types of sickness,
Mentality,physically..
Its too bad that a person get two of it.
But I think mentality sick makes physically sick..

I always tot I can act well that I'm still fine and good,
Pretending the sunshine still here..
When the everyone fall asleep,and I still awake,
I'm starting confuse..
I really hate who I am..and I hate I can't go thru all those shit..

Looking everyone happiness its suffer to me..
Yes,I'm jealous..or maybe I'm just too greedy?
I let it go when its in my hand once..
Blame,jealous,cry,sad can't help anything..
But its just so me..

I'm scare,scare for everything especially myself..
Insecure,makes me fall sick;
Regret ,makes me break down;
People,makes me hold...

Force to fill all the time full,
Being stupidity,
Pretend nothing is wrong,
Just to make myself feel better..

I'm forcing myself,
And finally I fall sick..

TIMES

Day fly and gone..
Realize can't control and everything not wanted..
Jealous and Hate can't help but ruin everything.
Waiting things fade..but seem worst..
Think keep everything is better..
Wake up and move on.
its not too much to want peace and smile.

Smile to the sky =)

Gong gong,I miss you.
I lost and missing after you leave me..

Love,
Pat.

M.E

没那麼简单 就能找到 聊得来的伴
尤其是在 看过了那麼多的背叛
总是不安 只好强悍
谁谋杀了我的浪漫
没那麼简单 就能去爱 别的全不看 变得实际
也许好也许坏各一半 不爱孤单 一久也习惯
不用担心谁 也不用被谁管
感觉快乐就忙东忙西 感觉累了就放空自己
别人说的话 随便听一听 自己作决定
不想拥有太多情绪 一杯红酒配电影
在周末晚上 关上了手机 舒服窝在沙发裡
相爱没有那麼容易 每个人有他的脾气
过了爱作梦的年纪 轰轰烈烈不如平静
幸福没有那麼容易 才会特别让人著迷
什麼都不懂的年纪 曾经最掏心 所以最开心
曾经 想念最伤心 但却最动心 的记忆

*我曾经答应过你，我会好好的活下去。。。

S T O R Y

If life is a stort book,i think my life is an interesting story book..
full of happiness and sad case..
i know much more ppl that sad than me..
but i really never think my life is full of "challange"...
is that meaningful?
is that i will non stop talking my story to my children or even grandchildren at my late life?
like a talkative old auntie...
then they will say:" stop talking bullshit mak..!"

Sometime,i wonder..
who i am? what i am? how i am??
what will i be? what i should do??
however,i never get my answer..
looking around ppl complaining,
but actually they are staying in happiness...
am i one of them ?
some are really in happiness and showing their lovely sweet thing everywhere everytime..
it make me really hate it...irritating...
but maybe i am one of them one day...
i think i will do the same thing...

So,what i have to do now is just keep it up look for that day...
everytime wake up and tell myself today will be fine...
tell myself the day i want is just at the corner..

Thanks for those who love me,
thanks for those who don't...
you raise me up,
make me know i have to wake up from fell...
make me know i have to love myself more...
Im doing that...
for those who don't,i will let you regret one day...
cause im being tough,and being evil...

Loves,
Pat.

what & why

Life is that just same as drama?
My life is getting dramatic..
Some thing happen makes me can't believe on that..
How could it happen on me?
I hope that's just a joke!
I can't get a way to express myself..
I lost a best friend that willing beside me when I down last time..
And now seem like he ditch me for someone..
I don't know how to tell cause it sound redicurous..
An operation that only got 39% living chance...
God really love to play on me..
Love to testing me...
I really lost..helpless..
I lost too many things..too many important treasure things..
I can't express myself or describe my mood by words..
Beside cry,what else I can do..

Tried

I bring the fighter spirit last night.
i been steady and sportman...
i knew i did it best,i knew i tried my best.
i bring out my confidence,hold my sick,
block my fears..
Its all out of my expect..
i cant believe i can work it out like that even i been suck lately..
even my mood totaly out..
even maybe out of support by others..
i really love myself last night!
i go all the way alone..
all the way by myself...over come everythings..
and just fight for myself..

But god seem like still testing me...
still playing fool around me...
the luck never come to me..

Raining heavy out there is just like my heart..
when will my luck come..
i ady been thru all those shit..
why dont just give me some thing to make me happy and feel little of sweet...

I never give up even i was thinking to giving up..
for now i do really feel insecure and sad..
i tot i pay all heart and will get good return..
i never expect the best,but atlease give me better..

From morning till on the way to ipoh i just keep reminding myself to calm down and relax..
even untill the moment i stand on stage and look at the judge..
i really fight...and for me i think i not the best but i better...
is that i really dont deserve anything better??
others just do nothing and performance not well also and get it..
and me??

Never mind,i did my best..
and i got faith to myself..
i believe i will get best thing after all these!!
keep it up !

Loves,
Pat

SICK

Everything been so sick..
mentality sick,
heart sick,
myself sick too...

Actually being alone facing all the shit things is really suffer.
i trying my best to over come everything..
smoothing all the things..
recovering my heart..

I'm starting use to be like this..
be lonely at night,taking care myself,living alone day by days...
friends is thg i cannot lost now..
thx for those who beside me,comfort me..

I decided to make up myself,be strong again.
pay all my heart and effort to myself,my life , my career!
i cannot be like this anymore..cz no one will pity me..
i have to be more shine,more tough! hit the goal i want!
all the shit things cant beat me down!!
i will stand up and keep walking from fall.
i know its hard,but i will try!

Even i know things i dont want to know,fact that i dont want accept,
memories that i dont want forget,pain that cant heal,
mistake that cannot recorrect,person that cannot come back,
times that cannot return,things that never change,
happen that i cant understand,karma that i have to take..
life no u-turn..time is running out,thing happen mean happen,
sun is still rise and set...

Once upon a time,im a happy girl too...
I want my confident back,
want my smile back,
want to know who is the right one..
i want happiness,
i want normal life.
if i can choose,i want to be normal.
normal look,no fame,no nothg..
be a normal happy girl..
life is smooth..
everything is fine...

even now i still emo-ing,cant stop myself smooking..still down...
but, wish me luck! i'm trying...

loves,
Pat.

HAHAHAHAA!!

I think im going insane!
will you laugh suddenly with no reason?
will you laugh when actually you wanna cry??
will you laugh when you alone??
will you laugh non stop like this???

hahahahahahaaa!!!!!!!

will you dont give a fucking care when you actually fucking sick??
will you just leave yourself when you ashma??
will you stay home alone and repeat wathcing the fucking same movie???

you want me dont reject if someone really love me there??
you said you wont hurt me when actually you hurt me...
the one love me out there from willing change everything for me...
till give me up...
i just dont want being just like this...its cheat him and cheat myself...
i tried also...but now he just think that im immature,childish,played him,cheated him...
and im just a bitch !!!!!!

I lost my confident,im lost when i standing on stage..
i want fight for the chance but i stand back at the end...
speechless,helpless,hopeless,mind blank,soul-less,lost..
is that what i am now??

I sad,i down,i emo before...
i just non stop party,non stop drinking...
if that is a quite serious issue,i will just keep that life stlye continue few days..
after that i will become happy again...
now,i go out, sitting aside,not really drink...
even not feel like going out...
rather stay home alone...
let my angel and devil fight there...

Is that my fault that i want one last fight?
is that my fault that i dont want regret the rest of my life?
i really lost...i aim-less...dont know what should i do...
sit like an idiot...

Ya..i know i should't like this...
i have to make up myself...
have to be mature...

but can somebody tell me,if you are me,
what will you do ??
what is mature? what is immature??

It karma!!
its that i really deserve it??!

yayaya...open up my heart...
rest,dont think so much...
forget abt it...

hahahahaaa!!! can you do it??
or maybe i really weak, a loser...
I CANT TAKE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

学会沉默　　
有时候，你被人误解，你不想争辩，所以选择沈默。本来就不是所有的人都得了解你，因此你认为不必对全世界喊话。却也有时候，你被最爱的人误解，你难过到不想争辩，也只有选择沈默。全世界都可以不懂你，但他应该懂，若他竟然不能懂，还有什么话可说?那么，不想说话，就不说吧，在多说无益的时候，也许沈默就是最好的解释。　　
至少平静　　在你跌入人生谷底的时候，你身旁所有的人都告诉你：要坚强，而且要快乐。坚强是绝对需要的，但是快乐？在这种情形下，恐怕是太为难你了。毕竟，谁能在跌得头破血流的时候还觉得高兴？但是至少可以做 到平静。平静地看待这件事，平静地把其他该处理的事处理好。平静，没有快乐...

雨过没有天晴

一个难忘的夜晚，难过，难坎，难看。。。
到最后，我被牺牲了。。
他真的是个好男人，但是没想到我是承受的那个。。
我没有输，我只是不要他难做。
其实真正的赢家，是我。。我想。
我只是没有她那么幸运。。
哈哈！！
还有，有些东西不是你要给，我就要拿。
你当他是什么？
有本是就真正交出来！

好戏好戏！！
没关系，我的命比较硬。。。

想

下雨的深夜，真的会令人想很多事情。
这几天是她的生日。。。
想起他以前是怎样为我庆祝生日。。。
猜测他会送什么给她？
她喝醉了，他在她身边照顾她。。
在想现在的他在做什么？?
他们之间的甜蜜，成了我的痛。。。
想起我和他以前，
虽然以前没什么钱，他还是会做很多令人甜滋滋的事。。
把花收在车里给惊喜；
在云顶过生日；
突然把仓鼠送来我家；
十八朵紫色鲜花；
十八支烟；
十八粒巧可力；
还有很多很多。。。
我看到，会想起。。
没见到，时不时也会想起。。
不知他是否和我一样？？
好甜好甜的以前；
好酸好酸的现在。。。
一直在问自己，为什么当初没好好做出行动？？
雨一直下，
泪也一样。。
除了在深夜里痛哭，我真的不知道还能怎样。。。

Tough

Being tough is the word that i always remind myself..
I never forget,never put it behind my mind..

So many things to stress,so many things that i dont understand..
im hiding myself aside,forcing myself to understand..
Pass mean passed..i have to understand the different..
i just not the lucky one to have it...
I hate the feeling that stay alone,especially mid night,the late night..but i always have to..
until i force myself use to it..
from i was young,the feeling never go away..till now...

The more i want,the more i lost...
i wanna be the best,but the worst i turn at the end...
I got no right to having the best,
I got no qualifly to request more.
Even how regreat i am,
fact will never change...

Jealous others having the one i wish i could have,
but yet,it belong to me once..
i never fulfil...
I never appreciate everythings,
when i realise, and it seem like.......not the time yet..
The more i want to know,the more i regreat to know,
the more i curious,the more i hate myself.
the more i found out,the more i hurt..
I hate all those feelings...
Is that time can help me fade away?
And i think,this is the karma...
I believe god had gave me many chances...
im just the stupid idiot dint realise and hold it..

Im getting the phobia...
i scare of everything...
I keep my step,dont dare to step out,
the more i try,the more i fail..
i scare of the pain when fall down,
Cause i dont want to do the same mistake that i had repeated many times...again...

Every songs,every words,every lyrics,every movie,every single things,
no matter how big deal or how small potato...
Everytime im alone,everytime when my mind start thinking...
it also have an excuse let me cry lately..
I stop my tears when its running out from my eyes now...
enough crying for myself,
no one will pity me and forgive me...
even i really is the poor thing....I Think...
I have to accept these,i deserve these...
The Karma..
Cause i really do disappointed everyone...

I already control myself to the limit,
i starting out of my mind,
being crazy,thinking negative..
Im going mad!!!
Im feeling i cant take it anymore!!!!!!

I have to calm down myself!
have to stand strong!!
have to make myself awake!!!
have to stop dreaming!!!!
I have to tell myself,
Its time to learn...!

Learn think twice before action;
Learn not to be stuborn;
Learn how to be positive;
Learn how to give other than take;
Learn do things for people request,not request to people;
Learn to listen others;
Learn how is love,what is love...

Its hard,really hard...
i will try...no matter how scare i am...
stop being weak...
BEING TOUGH
I believe it will eventually bring me happiness...
I want my smile back.

Wish me...
i hope i still is your love,

Pat.Penguin

巧合

最近看的电视剧都与我的情景很相似。。
一套是说 ：一对青梅竹马，大家从小相识，长大后大家都喜欢对方。
但因为一些误会，一些错过，到最后那个女的和别的男孩在一起。。。
留下另一个独自伤悲。。。

另一套是 ：七年前一个女孩离开了相爱的男孩。
七年后，女的回到男孩身边。。
可惜那个男的选择另一个女孩。。。不是男孩不再爱女孩。。。
是因为在男孩需要人陪伴，安慰的时候，在他身边不是女孩，是另一个女的。。。

哈哈哈哈哈哈哈！！！！ 这是上天给我的暗示吗？？
我的眼泪，又不知不觉流到了脸颊。。。

laught after cried ; cried after laught

i cant asleep every night lately...
every single tiny thing can make me cry like a baby..
now i know i really can cry...
sometimes,i do really hope i just a no body..
no beauty,no fame...no nothing...
dont even realiase when i walk passed by you...
live like an innocent child..
maybe that can easy fulfill,get happiness easly...
i really tired..helpless...i feel like giving up..
give up everything...give up myself...

乱

所有的误解，误会，错过。。

让我在每个夜里自责，折滕。。。

所有的问题一起来，对我真的是个考验。

尽了煎熬。。

彷惘，无助，无奈，迷失。。一直在我身边，寸步不离。。。

我没法表达，不知所措。。

每一首歌，每一个字，每一段玄律，每一张像片，每一件事。。。

都有让我哭泣的理由。。

很想放弃，但没那样的勇气。

不知我还能捱多久。。。

希望上天能够给个机会我。。。

沉淀

我将一切埋藏在心里，把情绪沉淀在心底。。
我不懂能撑多久，希望能一天就多一天。。
我还是在挣扎，很矛屯。。。到底我要的是什么？？
我能做的就是埋头工作，麻痹自己。为我的前途与钱途打拼。
希望一天一天的过去，答案会出现。。而且是对的答案。。。
那天的逼婚，我真得很想告诉他，你不是我要的。。
但我尝过伤心，被伤的痛。也伤过人，所以我始终没说出口。
毕尽他也待我不错。。。
我知道，时间的过，一定会起变化。
因为我们开错了头，一开始就闹到那么不愉快。。。
我明白我自己，只是不明白命运。。。
除了后悔和责怪。。就没别的。。。
我的另一个他现在似乎很开心。。我明白他，
一旦他决定了，我就没了。。
因为我清楚记得当初的我们。。。
我真得很妒忌他的她！！！
现在只希望一切能改变！
是，我很坏！但我发觉，发现的太慢! 知错能改不是好事吗！
我只是要他知道，
无论怎样，你依然是我心中的第一！
就算上天要继续玩弄我！！！

选择

做任何决定都一定是错的，

如果你选择了一个，

就会后悔当初没选择另外一个。

缘份在选择我们，

答案在命运那边，

等命运选择我们。

一切只有等待。。。

当有能力选时，已经不再让你选。。。

唯有继续等待，希望能够等到命运的改变。。。

但往往事与愿违。。。

你的选择没有错，

我欠你的太多。。。